Thursday, July 31, 2008

Is that a spot on your lung or are you just happy to see me?

Hi'ya Peeps,

Yesterday , I had said "I'm stuck here waiting for UPS"

I was waiting for important documents which required a signature. :(
After my last experience with FED-EX ...I was not looking forward to a repeat.

I waited around for awhile and then I remembered "oh yeah, UPS doesn't come until late afternoon." So I left to go run my errands .

I get home and there's the dreaded "sorry ,we missed you slip" from UPS ,on my door.

Around 5P.M. my doorbell rings. Shock ME! It is my UPS lady. She came back the SAME day and said "I thought ,she is not going to be home in the middle of the day ,So I figured I'd come back by today."

I could have kissed her! Can you believe this woman? I do not even know her name. I see her quite often at my door though. I am so impressed by her thoughtfulness and her "above and beyond the call of duty" attitude.I am certainly going to find out her name and tell her boss how great I think she is.

YOU rock, my UPS lady! Thank you!

This morning ,I needed to be up early because I had a doctors appointment. Naturally Cavuto let me sleep in until 8:00.

It was just a regular old check up "before England" and the unknown health care system.

My usual attitude towards doctors appointments is : unless I am bleeding,broken or giving birth .....I tend to avoid them.

So, this one was kind of necessary.I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible.

First thing.....was this dreaded instrument of torture.

The last time I went , I refused to get on it. I told the nurse"Nope, sorry , that will make me suicidal."

She took me serious and came in to speak to me about my depressive thoughts. (some people just do not get sarcasm) lol

Just so ya' know though, you CAN refuse to get weighed.

Today , I just bit the bullet and found, to my horror that I weigh 6 pounds MORE on their stinkin' scales than I do on the two fancy ass scales that I have at home.

Sweet, I'm even fatter than I thought.

My doctor came in and I informed him about England and told him "nothing much has changed since I was last here (3 years ago) except ,suddenly I need a 3 hour nap every day and that's just ludicrous.I still haven't been able to quit smoking and this THING on my forehead is growing."

He said that my 3 hour nap is probably due to an under active thyroid. (also a great reason to be fat ,in spite of eating very little)

We'll see when the blood work comes back.

I can NOT look when they do that. *shudder*

Then he listened to my lungs and said "lets get a chest x ray ,stick around until I take a look at it."

This had me a little freaked out. I hadn't said a word about any lung problems.

While I waited for the x ray ,I was imagining all kinds of horrible scenarios.

He finally came back and said "the x ray looks good."

WHEW. Scare me to death .

Then he gave me a prescription for Chantix....supposedly the latest and greatest quit smoking drug.

Desert dirt Diva was able to quit with it. So , maybe I will be able too as well.

This is pretty disgusting in a nice close up view. (*ewww*)
But this is the THING growing on my head.

Scroll by if you don't want to see it.

My doctor said "hmmmm, that looks like it could be *snazzy skin cancer word* which I can not recall, we better get you an appointment with a dermatologist."

His nurse called me this afternoon ,while I was napping. (oh shut up)

My appointment is tomorrow!

I hope that's not a bad/scary sign.

I was totally impressed with my doctor today . He addressed all my concerns and that is sooo damn rare these days.

I am going to write a glowing report to his boss as well.

It's great when people do a wonderful job at whatever it is that they do.
Thank you Doctor!

This afternoon we wound up having an unplanned hen party. Floozie 2 came over, then Nosey came over and then Eva. We all sat around and talked about "girl stuff"

We saw Nosey's pictures from their cruise. They were actual 8x 10 portraits. Absolutely beautiful.

Her and her husband also got a single photo taken of themselves because "we have to think about obituary pictures."
My husband will LOVE the "practicality" of that one.

Once I become friends with 70 year olds they better live until they're 90 ! Just sayin' .....haven't I suffered enough? LOL
No dying ya'll.

So except for my house being a neglected pig was a pretty good day.

Hope that thing on my head is nothin' :0

Hope you guys had a good day.

Good night peeps!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

She's a very kinky girl.....hit it. You know the words.

Happy Tuesday Ya'll,

Here's some odd searches which have led people to my blog .

Big plunger
Counter boys
Rita Hayworth homeless
Donk corvette
Winterizing a boat

There's a whole world of people out there searching for crazy things.Who knew?


Yesterday my husbands VISA came through and he also informed his current boss that he will be leaving.

*insert scary music*

The reality is finally here. We ARE going to England. Am I giddy with excitement now?
Um, oddly NO. I feel a little freaked out. If it weren't for my trusty Effexor, I may even be sitting around crying.
Obviously , it's that whole"getting left behind" thing. :)
But... there really is no other way. So suck it up honey.

It has been suggested that maybe I should "get myself a part time job" while I'm waiting .
Here's where my mental-ness rears it's full ,ugly head.
What, you didn't know I was mental? LOL
Yep, yep I am. Besides my chronic depression , I also have myself a raging case of social phobia.

Social Phobia
Social phobia, also called social anxiety disorder, is diagnosed when people become overwhelmingly anxious and excessively self-conscious in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of doing things that will embarrass them. They can worry for days or weeks before a dreaded situation. This fear may become so severe that it interferes with work, school, and other ordinary activities.

Fun huh?
It's been so long since I've had a real job. My references no longer exist.
I could get a job as a???? Help me out here. What kind of job could a socially phobic waitress get, with no experience and no references?

I know! Housewife! Oh shit, I already have that one.

Well, I'll keep thinking on that situation. Bleh!

We keep wavering back and forth on whether to bring the car or not. The final decision must be made A.S.A.P.

If we decide not to bring it, we will soon have a extremely cute little car for sale.

Just think of the gas mileage on that little cutie!

This baby is like brand new!

You KNOW you want it!

Let me know!

I am stuck here right now waiting for the UPS man. Special. Not!

So I reckon I may as well go on a cleaning spree.

Hope you all have a great day in your world!

Luv me

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Weeds,wine and well done steak....

Hi Y'all,

Well Friday was my big anniversary "date" with my friend Eva. First we took the boat out for a few hours and floated around like lazy slugs . It started to rain (as usual)
We needed to be back here at 4:30 anyway because of the flower fiasco.

Imagine my horror when THESE were delivered to my door.I called my spouse and said "they don't quite look like what you normally send."

Once I showed him the picture.....he was livid!

And had THIS to say to the flower company.

"The arrangement is nothing short of hideous.

I am disgusted with your service and the florist you are using.........I DEMAND
You can send your florist to pick up the flowers.

If you don't provide a refund I will go to the credit card company and
protest the charge!

Nothing would please me more than sending you a picture of the arrangement
that was sent. You could see for yourself how pathetic it is. "

After the flower woman called and chewed ME out on the phone ,they said they would "pick up the arrangement and bring a new one at 4:30."

So, we get back here and Eva is doing my nails. Floozie 2 comes over. I inform Eva that when the flowers come SHE must answer the door. (I'm too scared) lol
I am expecting more "chewing out".

So we decide that she'll answer the door in her bikini and pretend like she's the maid. Floozie 2 was supposed to hang behind her and film the hilarity.


Eva struts her 6 foot tall self over and opens the door. Floozie2 gets right up in the womans face with the camera. Making it quite obvious that she is being filmed.
The flower lady was too shocked to say diddly squat. :)

THIS is what they brought.

quite small , but MUCH better than the previous weeds.

Our plan had been to go to Olive Garden. Just because I was craving that Gorgonzola beef and all our restaurants in this town suck.

We go get ready. I even curled my hair. The humidity took care of that little idea in about 2 minutes it was limp noodles.

Eva's son Bubba got here around 7 , he would be joining us. He said "I just drove by Olive garden and there's a mile long line outside. So he calls there. "hour and a half wait for a table."

Crap! So he calls outback . "oh we can get you in around 8:00."Guess we're going to Outback.

On the way there Eva gets a bottle of wine. I have my little flask in my purse. (we're cheap ,OK)

Me"How are you going to open that?"

Eva ,proceeds to pull fancy corkscrew out of her purse.

Me" ha, you carry a wine opener around in your purse?"

Eva"It's called being prepared."

17 year old Bubba "yea, being prepared to be an alcoholic."

She opens the wine and manages to stuff the bottle into her purse. We arrive at Outback and are given our little disc. "Oh maybe half an hour longer for a table."

Lovely. We go outside and Eva makes Bubba take pictures of us. He is mortified. but does it.

We finally get a table. My steak is too well done .ACK!

But my baked sweet potato is great.It took us until 10:30 to finish dinner.

Oh, I love this town. heh.


Yesterday I did absolutely nothing! It's 105 degrees. Literally too hot to go outside.
Today, I must clean my sty and may force myself to go out on the boat.

Happy Sunday Peeps!

Oh, P.S. I'll pimp MY friend too. LOL Like Brad did.(over at Waconda road)

She's 40ish , divorced and has no back hair

Thursday, July 24, 2008

All little of this ...a little of that....

Hi Y'all ,

Yep, once again I am wayyy behind on posting.
Everything has been either boring or annoying lately.

It has been scorching hot . 110 with the heat index. Then in the afternoons horrendous thunderstorms. The other day I was literally trapped at the grocery store. I stepped outside and waited ,with about 30 other people . Lighting was flashing all over the parking lot.Thunder was booming ,little kids were screaming in fear.And the water was about a foot deep ,up to the doors on some cars..

Safely inside the truck at last.


Monday ,I got to go have my teeth cleaned. You know ...the deep cleaning where they chisel under your gums. The hygienist is this huge 7 foot tall old lady ,about 65 years old. She has a giant booming cackle to go with her persona. I tell her "they usually numb me to do this."

"They usually charge a hundred times more money for it too. You can take it." CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE!

I grip the arms of the chair in terror and make hideous pain faces ,contortions I didn't know my face was capable of making.

She proceeds to scrape the bones out of my face ,while she cackled and cackled.

Then she had to pry my white knuckled fingers off the arms of the chair so I could leave.
She CACKLED the whole time.

No wonder I put this off for the last 3 years!

I have wracked my brain about the possibility of leaving the cats with someone so I could just go to England. The very idea of them forgetting me or missing me, is totally heart breaking. Then , who could I trust anyway? I actually DO have one neighbor that I could trust with them. But then I try out the proposition in my mind.

" Um...hey neighbor, would you like to watch my cats for 5 months?You don't mind cats walking all over your counters and stove, right? Or petting themselves on your cooking utensils?
They're no trouble, really. Cavuto will wake you at 5 or 6 A.M. so you can go turn on the bathtub faucet . He refuses to drink any other way.Then him and Monkey will arrive in the kitchen for their whipped cream. They usually like a little cream in the evening too.It won't be any bother. they'll wait until you're all settled on the couch before Monkey begins her loud ,demanding, bitchy screaming. O'reilly ,why he's no trouble at all don't mind cats jumping on your shoulder every time you bend over or use the toilet, right? He only leaves bloody gashes down your back or arms if he misses the jump and falls .If Cavuto is awake , he demands your constant attention. He is just so happy to be alive ,he likes to share the joy by having you carry him around like a baby.You'll also have to cut his nails. He hates it really ,but after he shreds you to pieces the first few times, it'll be gravy baby.You'll also need to baby proof your blinds every day when you open them ,because Cavuto gets hung in them sometimes. He's also prone to seizures when he is hanging upside down in blind cords. Oh yeah, and O'reilly does have that little vomiting problem. It's not vomit really, more like he just regurgitates chewed up cat food ,it won't even stain your carpet. If it's really vomit , you'll see him walking backwards in circles. He only does that when he chews on things he shouldn't ,like fake plants and pine needles .Oh, he also likes to play fetch around midnight. You'll know when he brings you a bread wrapper and starts flinging it around all over your bed.It's fun really, you'll learn to love it!
They also like to watch their "birdy" movie sometimes ,just set up a barstool for them in front of the t.v. ,you DO have a flat screen right? They prefer a flat screen."

Let's face it. I am so NOT going to England until the cats wait is OVER!

And looks so innocent.
Big huge annoying little pain in the ass.

Yesterday was our anniversary. I'll be going out to dinner Friday night with my friend Eva to celebrate.

Happy anniversary my sexy man!

I love you!

Have a great day in your worlds. Laters me

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Does he come with an off switch?

Happy Monday folks!

This is why we must always wash our cooking utensils before using them:)

I went out on the boat yesterday . I was lying there on my raft with my eyes closed .All of a sudden I feel something BIG on my fingers. My mouth was open and screaming before my eyes could open and see what the hell it was.
It was a giant hairy firefly.

The embarrassing part was every boat in the cove heard me screaming like a lunatic.

Some old lady about 50 yards away yelled out "did ya get stung?"

"ugh, no , just scared."


I really have nothing else. It was a lazy, slow weekend.

Hopefully today will be a little more exciting.

Have a great day y'all

Luv me

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Pacifier or prozac?

Happy Saturday Y'all,

I've been in my usual "everyone just left" depression crash. It seems like I've been very busy yet my house is still a sty from when the kids were here. I haven't seen the boat since everyone left. Ugh! The only thing I have accomplished without fail is my damn nap every day.

The other day I spent half the day at the dentists office. I'm trying to take care of all things medical and dental before England.For hours they could not verify our insurance, the little x-ray cardboards were giving me the dry heaves ,then I find out that I need 4 crowns and our lousy insurance will not cover them. So, another 3 grand on teeth or I can just let my face collapse.

I really hate to blog when I'm like this. So....let me see....what's good?

Poodles was supposed to have gotten married yesterday,I'm still waiting for word on that.
Floozie1's husband was moved to the hospice unit for 5 days to give her a break.Her and I were able to go have breakfast yesterday.Eva has 4 properties under contract ...which is a miracle right now.Proof that God is taking care of her. Naturally her ex is not paying the things he's supposed to be paying. (Big shock there....not!)
Nosey and G5 left yesterday for a cruise to the Cayman Islands. (I am soooo jealous I could spit!)
Floozie2 and lakefarmer left for a wedding in Illinois.Yours truly was left with the pool keys.
If any renters get rowdy at midnight "I" get to go throw them out and lock up the pool. Something I would be very reluctant to do.Shy, you know :)

My husband will be coming home in a few weeks ,taking a detour to Ohio first to see his siblings,then he'll be off to England.I am trying to be upbeat and "normal" about the whole thing ...but sometimes I feel like just bawling like a big spoiled baby.
Honestly.....I don't want to be left behind for 6 months. But...things don't go the way we want them to, just because we are big spoiled babies. Do they?

Monkey is screaming her head off and she's driving me crazy!!!!
There she is ..this little crumb of a cat with the biggest bossiest mouth you've ever heard.And giant Cavuto has a little sweet voice. Go figure.

Poodles just called me. They did get married. She won't be home to download her pictures until Sunday night. Ugh . I hate waiting .lol

I'll be back later to hopefully, report that I accomplished TONS of stuff.

Have a great day peeps!

Luv me

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Happy Birthday Wes!

Wow! 28 years ago today a17 year old mother gave birth to one of the best sons ever put on this earth.

You were smart as a whip,sweet as pie and funny as

You had a photographic memory ,you were left handed and had a vocabulary that would make some adults jealous.

Even though I had no idea what I was doing, every year you became an even better person and a bigger joy.

No mother ever had a son as wonderful as you.

I'm so proud to be your mother.

Happy Birthday my little old man!

I love you!

Yo' mama

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Awww.dude not cereal again...

"See anything good in there?"

"na' man, just cereal."

"Oh! dude! remember last time I ate cereal ,I barfed all over the whole house?"

"Word.That was so funny watching mom clean that up"

Happy Tuesday Y'all,

I sooooo have nothing to blog about.Well, I guess that's not really true.
Lets see, whats new?

My family has been gone for a week and I stillllll do not have my house or my laundry caught up. ack!

Why? you ask. Because I have been busy doing various secretarial/errand boy duties for my spouse.he finally got his work visa and should be headed for England soon. :(

I have been trying to find a house over there willing to accept 3 cats. One that isn't
A.old and hideous
B. beyond a cracker box
C. outrageously expensive

So far, no luck.My husband will be a bag man.he he ...a bag man in a suit.

We can't decide if we should take the little car or not either. Any of you ever shipped a car overseas?

When the kids were here they made me buy a coffee grinder and make whole bean coffee. When they made it ,it was delicious! Every time I make it myself, it tastes like crappy dish water. WTH?

As most of you know ,my friend Poodles is getting married to her (3 )baby daddy
Wish I could go . I stayed up 'til One A.M. last night looking for the perfect shoes. No easy task. They are either too tall (when one is 6 feet tall, they don't need 4 inch heels) or they're too ugly.
Who makes these ugly shoes and thinks any one other than my grandma would wear them??
Naturally ,Cavuto woke me up at the crack of dawn. So yeah, I had my 4 hours of sleep. Woo hoo!

I MUST get this house clean today. Last night I even dreamed about dirty houses with roaches.

"once she feels comfortable and safe , I'll go for her juggler."

Yesterday, I saw this enormous dog laying on the back of his tiny car.

(click on it to see it full sized)

You guys still awake? :)

Ok, I'm shuttin up with the boring. Have a wonderful day in your worlds!

Luv me

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Stop me! I'm like a kid in a candy store!

Trust me, once you try'll have to drag yourself away:)

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Get MySpace Fame and see how famous you are!

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at

We're all so brainwashed. :)
Even cats look more glamorous on a magazine cover.

Ok, go make YOURS! I can't wait to see 'em!!!!
Hurry! Go!!

Luv me