Friday, January 29, 2010

Waiting is fun.....

Hi ya'll,

Well time flies doesn't it? Let me see what's happened around here? Thursday ,I was stuck here waiting for the plumber . It was actually 2 plumbers that showed up. O'reilly ran and hid on top of the refrigerator . Cavuto made it his duty to be their helper. I asked a couple times if he was bothering them, they said "No."

The older plumber had to leave to go get parts at one point ,I saw him leave wearing no coat .

Hmmm, what is he nuts?

Oh ,no that would be because there was Cavuto lying right inside the guys coat, on the floor.

My spouse arrived home from Helsinki with a man cold AND chapped lips to boot.

He is of the "complain about how sick and chapped , but God no! I'm not taking any medicine or wearing any of that greasy shit on my lips " school of thought.

One of my kids is like this too. It makes me want to smash their heads, 3 stooges style. It makes no sense and it drives a well person to the brink of the booby hatch!

Yesterday ,I got dropped off in Southampton .

It was extremely cold out and I had told hubby " Pick me up in about 3 hours."

At one point ,I went into the mall. Imagine the most crowded shopping day you've ever seen. Christmas or black Friday ,maybe? Well, this was the mall, yesterday. Just an ordinary Saturday.

It was literally like a mob moving en masse at some points.

(click the pics to see them full sized)

Shopping anyone?

I went to all the thrift shops and found zip except a few books. It had been 3 hours and 15 minutes. I call hubby.

"I've seen everything and I'm freezing to death ,ready to come get me?"

(it should take him about 20 minutes to get there)

I go sit at the bus stop and FREEZE and wait . and wait and wait .
About 20 minutes later .....ring ...ring..

" Hey how do you turn this oven back on? It shut itself off."

"You're STILL at home? " ( UGHHHHH!!!!)

"ok, I'm on my way now."

I prepare to freeze and wait for another 20 minutes, feel like crying but know that frozen tears and snot would only make me even more miserable.

I took out the camera and tried to kill time with some "fashion on the street" shots , naturally a few moments later my camera says "memory is full".

I may never leave the house again.

Without further it is .....fashions from the streets of Southampton.

Shop window right by my pickup spot.

That crowd of young kids in there left in a huge PINK stretch limo.

"we're too cool to wear coats"

This is a very typical look for here.

"I'm secretly a Popsicle"

3 generations of British fashionistas

"Help me! I'm freezing"

Old lady rockin' all the latest trends.


Have a great day peeps!

Luv me

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Vignettes of a crazy woman....

Yesterday, on my way to the grocery store I was about to freeze to death so I ducked into this home decor type store to warm up.They had their candles on clearance so I bought some tea lights.

A few hours later ,with my new candles burning, I'm sitting on the couch reading a book called "Love my rifle more than you" and watching TV.

All of a sudden .....I smell fire. My candles and the plastic tea lite holders have burst into a little raging fire , right there on my coffee table!

OMG! If I had been upstairs or something ,the cheap glass holders would have shattered and the whole house could have burned down.

I managed to get the fire out before that happened but man, the smell was bringing back the horror of The Very Bad Curse Day.

(If you haven't read that, it's the day my truck burned to a crisp in about 5 minutes)
Go ahead, I'll wait.

Fire is SO scary.


Picture it ,my spouse and I are driving down the road on our way to the grocery store (the absolute highlight of our weekend) I am going out of my mind with boredom .

Me "Ooh! I know, I could put makeup on you."

Him :glances at me like I have 3 heads "what?"

Me "When we were kids ,my sister used to lay her head in my lap and I'd put makeup on her, just for something to do."

Him "I'm not your sister."

Well, No and you ain't no girlfriend either, ya pooper.


Roller coasters scare the crap out of me .....but if I could get where I needed to be like this (without freezing) ,I may try to get over that particular phobia.


Today I had to go get blood drawn ,just for my thyroid check. UGH! I called and tried to change my appointment to Friday ." Sorry, we're fully booked"

I wake up and see the frost all over everything. Oh how I miss my truck.

I had to walk to the bus stop, wait for the bus, rush though town to find the clinic,then I went to the library , rushed my ass back to the bus stop and walked home.

It started raining while I was on the bus home.The wind started blowing too.

I am a "tropical" girl. This kind of experience makes me say many bad words.I can NOT like it.

I'm a cold ,depressed beeotch.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

No wonder I can't afford ......whatever it is ......

WE paid WHAT for that?

(shown is British pounds .. then the US dollar amount paid)


9 pack of Toilet paper: 5.25………………..8.49

10 pack diet coke:3.72……………………..6.02

Beef roasting joint: 8.02……………………12.97

Whipped cream: 1.62……………………….2.65

Schweppes rusian water .99…………………1.60

Little can slice olives: .84…………………….1.36

Cream x 3 ………1.98……………………...3.21

Little can refried beans x 2 : 1.30 …………..2.10

Plastic bag: .10…………………………….16

4 disposable razors: 3.66…………………..5.92

Powdered sugar: .58…………………………94

Stick butter: 1.17………………………….1.89

Fifth of Smirnoff : 18.98…………………..30.70

Artificial sweetener : 3.00……………………4.85

HALF pound bacon: 2.09…………………3.38

Eye glass repair kit; 1.99…………………..3.22

Cheese sliced: 1.25……………………….2.02

Rosemary chicken breast: 3.99……………6.45

Rosemary chicken breast: 3.99…………….6.45

Cottage cheese: .95……………………….1.54

Box Band-Aids: 1.22………………………..1.97

2 litre sprite: 1.00………………………….1.62

Wart gel: 3.58……………………………..5.79

Ricotta tv dinner: 1.99………………………3.22

4 apples: 1.17……………………………..1.89

Bag pasta: .84………………………………1.36

Bag pasta >84………………………………1.36

Frozen broccoli: 1.22……………………….1.97

Fresh blueberries x 2 : 4.98…………………..9.96

Salami: 1.43…………………………….2.31

Pound coffee; 3.19…………………………………5.16

Shredded jack cheese x 2 : 2.56 ……………………4.14

Potato chips: 2.44……………………. 3.95

Total in £90.61………………

………….total in Us $ 146.58

Note to selves : only generic Vodka from now on!

and commece living on sugar sandwiches.


This afternoon I think to myself .....

" hmmm, it's 2:00 ,I better put that roast in the oven."

I look in the fridge . No roast .

" WTH? did I actidently freeze it? "

I search the freezer. No roast.

"oh NO! don't tell me I'm so senile that I put it in the cabinet." (this wouldn't exactly come as a shock)

Search the cabinets, the oven and the microwave. No roast.

"Oh Hubby! Have you seen that 13 dollar roast anywhere?"

He goes out and searches the car. No roast.

I put some frozen chicken in the oven and started praying that I wouldn't find a13 dollar hunk of rotting meat any time in the near future.

Happy Sunday Peeps!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Hey, you can still smoke in Madrid!

Bitch is done !

(The picture on top is an experiment) I want to see how long it takes my husband to comment on it :)

I got nuthin' ya'll .

I'm getting ready to get dropped of in Southampton to thrift store shop. My glasses fell to peices and I am blind as a bat. Gah!

My spouse took these pictures in madrid ,Spain.
I must admit, It looks nothing like I was expecting.

Happy Saturday Peeps!

Damn spam!

Hi ya'll ,

I hate to do this ,but I've had to enable the stupid word verification because I am being overloaded with SPAM comments. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I have nothing today, been cleaning and doing laundry all day and now it's time for my joyous walk to the store in the cold rain. Awesome!

Here is a pretty strange Uk commercial that is playing on tv here. Enjoy. lol

See if you remember what they're selling :)

A UK commercial :

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Hey ya'll, I KNOW....long time no see.

I apologize.

feng shui is totally fungked Up!

Example 1 : I loathe stuff being out on the counter.

Here, there’s no place else to put it.

Further fungking up my life.....for the last several days is my hated, little tiny, ludicrous electric fireplace.

Originally, repulsively the original walls.

The other day, I bought some paint which "resembled" the kitchen paint.

Supposedly "cookie dough"

Little did I know that the crap was OIL based paint until it was TOO late.

Being the "trooper" that I am, I kept calm and carried on, after about 5 coats of looked like a disgusting glob of silly putty!

Not to mention that it also RUINED my paint brush, my mini roller and my mini paint tray.

I tried to salvage it with nail polish remover.

Make a note: Nail polish remover does not dissolve oil based paint.

My spouse arrived home Thursday night. He cut his trip short so I "wouldn't be left alone so long."

(He had been gone since Sunday) hold that thought....for later.

I spent some time, online looking at "virtual" paint jobs. I finally decided that the God awful, ugly ass thing should be all the trim and wood work.

We ventured out, got some white paint and replaced my destroyed equipment.

About 7,000 coats of paint later.........

Nearly there….

I did YET another coat this morning, but NOW the tape has been there so long I will need a jigsaw or a really sexy carpenter to get it off.

Also, see the ugly, dented gold surround? I planned to paint THAT matt black.

My husband was sceptical. What do you think about the gold?

Gold OR matt black?

I think it is dented, and it makes the whole damn thing look even chintzier than it is.

Ok...on to the REST of our weekend.....

My husband ,bless his heart, came home early..."so I wouldn't suffer ,being alone "

(what with me, not knowing anyone, about to run out of medicine and having been snowed in for 2 weeks)

LOL, he probably really was just afraid that he'd come home and I'd be dead or something.

So there we are, the sweet lil darling has come home. We grocery shop, I repeatedly paint the effin fireplace, we’re together.......but for some reason ...lover boy is grouchy as HELL!

(Travelling all week, worried about "man shit" ,work and post Leave it to Beaver Christmas syndrome)

Practically every time I spoke , I was irritating beyond belief! At one point, I put the roll of duct tape on my end table while we were watching a movie. (So I could tape my own yap shut!)

Excuse me, but I'm a movie talker.

I never did tape my own mouth shut. But it was tempting.

And if we weren't grouchy enough.

" Dear Dic*wad, As*wipe or Skanky B*tch,

I can't thank you enough for letting your (from the forensic evidence) medium sized dog ,crap RIGHT in front of our gate , not once, BUT 3 F'n times. You are the epitome of class.

You are the poster child of a responsible dog owner.

When my (already grouchy) husband (finally) stepped in your dog crap, Oh I longed to meet you.

Let me share the joyous experience WITH you (perhaps we'll reminisce about it someday, if I ever catch your lazy ass)

Picture it...Sunday...the second whole day I would even see my spouse.

We get in the car to go on our big outing for the week. He is going to work, to do his travel expense’s, I am being dropped off in town for ONE hour, to speed shop. (It's Sunday, everything closes by 4)

We get in the car; the snow is all melted there's no problem there. When we go somewhere, I have to stand outside while he backs the car out of it’s minuscule space ,then I open my door and get in.

Usually I get a nice cloud of diesel fuel ,right in the face, before I get in the car.

Well, I'm already "nasally defected" so we take off and he says “Do you smell that?"

"Smell what?"

"I don't know, it kind of smells like manure."

"I still smell diesel, sorry. can’t help you"

We get home and ...low and behold ....he discovers that he has stepped in yer freakin' dog crap.

Oh, the joy! I was wearing brand new shoes. (Thank God it wasn't ME!)

I enter the house bring my bags into the kitchen and then my dahlink tells me that he has stepped in your frekin dog crap.

Trying to be polite, I get the little OLD toothbrush out from under the sink. My spouse goes all berserk grouch on my ass and says “Quit treating me like I'm helpless!"

I throw toothbrush back under cabinet.

HE is in a boiling rage as he has to clean your damn dogs crap off, not only his shoe, but also the cars floor mat.

Thank you lazy ass dog owner for putting the final FAIL on our weekend.

AFTER my husband spent all that time cleaning his shoe and THEN the floor mat, and I disinfected our sink TWICE, OH.... how I wanted to meet YOU.

When my husband had to then cut up boxes for poop scoops ,and go clean up your dog shit.....becoming madder and grouchier ....oh I was getting grouchier too Honey.

If I knew who you were at that moment, I would have brought your dog shit to your door and smeared it all OVER said door!

I was raised by the woman who once picked dog crap up with her bare hands, stuffed in IN offending dogs mouth and then threw the dog outside.

I've got my eye out for you beotch!

God help you, if I ever catch you.

Smelly regards,

Queen Earlene's finest

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Girls just wanna have fun........

Some things I've learned since I've been in England:

A small house is a messy house.

It is possible to be both thin and flabby.

Do not buy a leather couch if you live in an igloo.

Electrical currents are NOT interchangeable .

Don't call an ambulance for a broken rib. It's NOT a heart attack.

The smaller the cat ,the more room they take up on a bed.

A hatred of laundry can grow ever deeper.

A house with no closets is an abomination.

Love is not enough to make sleeping enjoyable if the bed is too small.

The more it snows ,the longer it will be until you see the garbage man.

The phone will never ring unless you are on the toilet.

When you don't have a car, you will always run out of everything on the coldest ,windiest day.

If you want that long awaited package to arrive...already, skip shower, pile up hair like homeless woman,do not apply makeup, paint house all day ,then sleep in paint covered shirt.
Package will arrive via cute delivery man at the crack of dawn.

You know you want me...........
Bwa ha ha !!!!!


That package would be Christmas in a box from my sister.

WOO HOO!! It was like, well, Christmas :)

THANK YOU Dahlink!!!!!

The big red box is that Estee lauder makeup kit I was DYING for :)


What happens when a highly cat allergic brother moves to Florida to live with his brother and a very plush cat?

Plush cat (Insano)

Insano ...not so plush .

Happy humpday people!

Luv me

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Oh , that gave me an instant headache......

Out of 40 or 50 condos, whose do you suppose was the ONE where the pipes froze and burst?

That's right , that would be OURS.

I got an email today from my friend Floozie2 that said "call me today!"
(she is also my next door neighbor,back home)

I just knew in my gut she was going to tell me something bad, I was afraid to call her. It could have been something worse than burst pipes ,so there IS that.

When I got her on the phone she said " here, I better let Lake Farmer (her hubby) tell you "
(my stomach sinks to ground level)

Apparently the kids living above us, saw water running out of our garage but didn't bother to tell anyone, even though they KNOW that we are in England.

Another neighbor saw the same and told Floozie2 .
Her and her husband had to go over to our house ,move our truck, inspect the attic ,repack soggy boxes ,call the plumber and freeze their asses off while dealing with our crisis.


Apparently ,even though our water was turned off at the water main, the pipes for the outside faucets (ours and the upstairs unit) runs though our garage and attic. Well the upstairs neighbors water pipe froze and burst ,flooding through our attic and running out the garage.

My friends took care of the immediate risk to our house and I guess whatever damage there is .will now wait until Spring to be fixed.

Well, isn't that special?


This is NOT the post I had planned for today ......but oh well.

Guess i'm ahead of the game for tomorrow.

Happy Sunday Peeps!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Beautiful AND brilliant!

Don't try this at home folks.

Picture it, yesterday after I painted the bathroom I noticed that I was having an exceptionally bad hair day.

I get the brilliant idea to use my US curling iron. We have a US extension cord....piece of cake ,right?

Ugh , wrong!

That thing was so hot, I heard the sizzle and saw the smoke as soon as I got my hair wrapped around it.

I could still smell the stench of burnt hair AFTER I washed it, this morning.

My husband said "Didn't you know that the UK has a different current? "

How would I know that ,THAT would turn a curling iron into a blow torch?

BTW , my husband returned home from Finland last night ,he'd been gone since Sunday. I'm in the kitchen ,cooking dinner when he comes in there to get a drink.

He looks at me for a few minutes (probably smelling the stench of my burnt hair)

"What's different about you? "

" umm, It's a horrible hair day."

"You look like you're eyes are sunk into your head or you've been crying or something ."

Well, as flattering as that is , I haven't been crying.

" Maybe the makeup you have on your eyes is too light, it contrasts too much with the pencil on the bottom of your eyes."

WTF? Who IS this ? and what has he done with my husband?

I actually was trying out a new eye shadow. (which will now be going in the garbage)

Excusssssse me.

Don't hate me for being so effin beautiful.


I had it in my ugly head that today I would be able to get dropped off in Fareham to shop and go to the library.

Well, our 6 inches of snow is now snow covered ice. We are stuck here. My spouse is working from home and we are out of all the basic necessities, like cigarettes, vodka and toilet paper.

Oh joy, we get to trudge through the snow to the grocery store. Have I mentioned how much I loathe winter?

Happy Thursday Peeps!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dear so and so

This is my first "Dear so and so" post , the idea comes from Kat over at :


Dear world,

Years ago when I was really bored I told my husband "I'm gonna teach Cavuto to shake hands."

Yeah right. That didn't happen. He was young, wild and stupid. (The cat, not the husband )

Well guess what ? I have done it! I have taught my cat to shake hands!

Check it out :)

Sincerely, Crazy cat lady



Dear England,

I've been here for months now and I've been trying to stay all "upbeat " and shit ...but umm ,I'm afraid I do have a few gripes that I can no longer ignore , what are you gonna do, take away all my British friends? BWA HA HA!!! Yeah. That's what I thought you would say. Nothing!

I'm free to speak then. I have a problem with your "no dryer" policy. I have played along, I have gotten used to wearing stiff scratchy clothes, preserving clean clothes, wearing the same jeans for days, the two day drying time.....but I'm having a real problem with the sock situation. In America, my sweet ass dryer shrinks up my socks to sort of "fit my feet”, but here....NOOO. Not only do I have to wear rubber rain boots, the likes of which I have not owned since I was 5, but I have to wear them with floppy, stiff, baggy socks that feel as if I scraped the dirty socks off some homeless guy! Can’t you even make a sock dryer?

How about my bras? What's up with that shit? Do you know what your 3 hour wash and spin cycle has done to my bras? Oh....well, I'm sure you don't care ...but I'm gonna tell you! Since you have made it impossible for me to drive here, with your wrong side of the road, wrong side of the car, stick shift diesel crap, then surely you knew that I would literally have to walk my ass off. Don't deny it. Now, not only are the few bras that I own. 20 pounds too big for me, but your stinkin' 2 hour spin cycle has stretched them out so they could only fit a circus fat lady!

And what about this heat situation? The technology is OUT there. WHY do you resist it? They have these things called blowers or something; they actually spread the warmth all through the house. That is what central heat really means. Having a radiator in a few rooms, that are still freezing cold, is NOT central heat.

There's more but I don't want to hurt your feelings.

P.S. I like the chips.

Cordially , Mrs. Saggy Bra


Dear Mr. Landlord,

Thank you for giving me permission to paint your lovely rental. The splotchy, hideous walls you left us were bringing me down ,making me feel like I was living in the ghetto.

I appreciate that you tried to paint over the dirty spots but next time , try doing it with a matching paint.

I am painting the place a lovely neutral color called "cookie dough" I am happy to do it because I have to look at it every day.

However, should you find it in your heart to reimburse us for the paint, that would be just lovely.

By the way, the carpet is equally hideous. Should you ever decide to have it cleaned that would be brilliant.

Regards, Your tenant
,Mrs. Workaholic


Tomorrow will be a "comment to comments " extravaganza!

Happy Monday guys!

Luv me