Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pardon me while I crack up

Dear world,

Know what I did today?

Absolutely NOTHING. I did take a bath and wash my hair, but then I didn't even bother to comb my wet hair, nor did I apply makeup. My spouse was home until 10; 30 this morning, by the time he left ,my productive time was already gone. I'm a morning person and after that I'm a hyperactive vegetable.

Some people (whom I won't name) don't believe in clinical depression, but as someone who has had it since 1994, I know when MY clinical depression gets worse.

Is it environmental? Could it be worsening because I have to go out there and walk in the freezing ass, cold WIND, which I DESPISE with every fibre of my being? Hell yes.

Could it be because I have not had a "live" conversation with a human being, besides my husband, since SEPTEMBER? Hell yes.

Could it be that I have realized that he is only here about 2 or 3 days a week, and said conversations last maybe 5 minutes TOTAL, per day? Hell yes.

Do I want to have to walk to the damn doctor to increase my dosage of antidepressants? Uh…, not really. Do I feel like I am accomplishing NOTHING? Hell yes. Do I feel fat, brown haired and hideous? Hell yes.

Do I hate the military time? The no dryer? no garbage disposal? No normal water faucets? No double sinks? No car? The dinky effin house? The no closets? the cluttered messy space? The Christmas tree box ...STILL in my living room? My faded, worn out, baggy clothes? My uncut hair? Toilets that keep the smudge of crap, CONSTANTLY? People who won't even smile back? The expensive cigarettes? The no BIG bottles of booze? Our crappy ,dirty carpet? Our crappy suburban, unreliable bus service? Closeted neighbors? Our shitty non-organizational or meet up worthy area? No friends? No restaurants? No sun? No warmth? No fun?

Um...yeah, I am loathe to say it, but I hate ALL that shit.

I have tried to like you England. But frankly you have NOT been one bit welcoming, warm, friendly, or kind in any way. Your only redeeming quality is your old people.

Sorry, but so far....

I can't wait to get out of this primative hell hole.

Next day : Just to clarify ,I wasn't implying that my spouse is ignoring me or anything. But It's no secret that my husband is a workaholic. When he's home is is exhausted from traveling all week. He wants to lay around and watch his boring "man shows" and recover.And it's not like I'm sitting around whining about how miserable I am.Nor are the two of us sitting around cackling like a couple of girlfriends.

Sometimes ya just need to get yer rant on. LOL
Purge the shit. So, I feel better now that I spewed all that out.

I shall be back to answer ya'lls comments. It's chore time. Woo hoo!


Jamie said...

Hmmm...I smell a really bad day. Because I know that some days, you probably hate it a little less.

However, can you come back home? Would you want to do that, without your hubby? When will he be able to work here, if ever?

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is when things are so difficult. The winter has left everyone I know, on every continent, miserable. Spring really will be around the you think that will help?

I'm with spirit. And it will get better. Hugs, friend. :)

mollymoggs said...

I can't say anything but it's hard sometimes, especially if you're not here to stay permanently or because you love England, the UK or whatever.

If you'd like a day out and can make the trip, I'd take you out in London. How far are you from London?

Mary said...

The role of expat (as a house wife) is not easy. Everything is strange and unfamiliar and the road looks bare and gloomy. I know it's right up there with being in prison.

Spring, though, will paint a nicer picture. During warmer weather can you make some of the work-week trips with hubby? Or would that be an even bigger mess?

Home is always an option. I know your friends and neighbors would be happy to see you.

Just do the best you can until the weather breaks - you'd hate it here too. This has been a hateful winter for everyone.

A Brit in Tennessee said...

I would swap with you for awhile !
The First Sergeant is not very talkative, but makes the BEST cups of tea.
Oliver the cat is talkative.

Anonymous said...

Yes, spring is right around the corner. Hang in there. I can relate about the Brits being not too friendly. On our first night in UK, at a pub in Bath, we invited a Brit couple to join us at our table since the pub was full. They appreciated it and we had a great visit. The man explained to me what the "Full Monty" is and it wasnt what I thought. Skeletor is a great name for that dog. Wow! Email me Wes' name and address - I would like to send him a check for the dog fund. G5

Heather said...

ah man, life can be hard sometimes huh? i know where you are coming from, i have days, weeks even like this. I have no magic words. just a ((hug)) and a hope that things improve or that you make them improve.

midwesttomidlands said...

Hi, We all look forward to spring, hopefully it will be here soon. Not sure where you live, but if you live anywhere in the Midlands I would be glad to come and take you somewhere, wherever you'd like to go. I can tell you getting a haircut is something that can perk a woman up, I know it does me.

Jennifer said...

Ohh I am so sorry to hear it is stinking so far...I would go have a live conversation with you but I am sure you are quite far away. Wish I had the right words but all I have is a virtual hug to you. Is there anything that would make you happy? Can you paint to make it brighter? Can you take driving lessons to get out of the house? Can you travel on your own to get out and meet other expats? I do hope it gets better for you.

SOUL said...

yeh- sounds like a day in someone i know's life.

anyhow-- is staying home when you come back for summer vacay :)) -- an option? even a temporary one-- a month, 2, 3 ? you soooo need the sun and boat, and happy hours and hen parties-- and maybe even ME? is you so desire.

think about it--

til then-- med adjustment might be the way to go--

frickin weather i know is playin a big part in it-- and the fact that you really are too social-- (social phob or not) to be so unsociable --

cheer up-- you'll be home before ya know it-

luv me

Anonymous said...

All good advise listed. Do get in touch with molly-something and get out with her. Who will take care of cats summer vacation? Write your book, paint or draw, teach yourself xstitch or any craft. Increase your meds. ok, I've had my say. aj ps It's cold here, too!

Golden To Silver Val said...

OMG....I wish I could say something witty and intelligent that would just snap you right out of it.....but I can't. I would just DIE. Curl up in a fetal position in the corner and twist my hair. It sounds You're a better woman than I am Gunga Din-ette. I would be home with my friends and shopping and familiarity in a heartbeat. Hopefully your stay there isn't much it?
If it helps....everyone I know is depressed right now....I think its the blasted weather. We are all anxiously waiting for spring...warmth, new skies, green grass...shade trees...SIGH.

Karen McDonald said...

Lena please send me wes' address, this is so heartbreaking, I wish I could have him @ my house, he is so cute, I love that sad quizzical look he always has, Thanks Karen

Karen said...

Sorry think I put this comment in wrong post, I was just looking @ Skeltor's bolg from yours. Karen

Anonymous said...

Lena, please e-mail instructions on how I can put Skeletor's blog on my fb page, I hope all goes well with him, I don't know much about heartworms, but with what I have read he can be cured, This dog has touched alot of people's hearts and I hope everything turns out for the best with him! Karen

Smocha said...

Thank you all for your comments. I'm pretty sure it is the frekin' cold weather that is ruining moods everywhere.I am usually not a person who rants on my blog.I try to stay upbeat and see the humor in the day to day stuff.

I'm quite used to being alone, talking to cats and all that but back at home I had a car, friends, a life (of sorts) lol

Like mary said "it is sort of like being in prison" right now.Have I mentioned I HATE winter?

We live in Whiteley,a suburb. It's more office complexes than a town.There's 2 buses per day out of here (if they show up)

Anyhow ,I will be going home for the summer. Yippeee!!!My husband will only be able to spend a few weeks at home. The cat lady will come check on the cats while he's gone.You can imagine how much I do not want to leave my cats here without me. lol

Well, please forgive my rant. I now return you to your regular not quite so bitchy Smocha.

mollymoggs said...

Moggy=British for mutt cat, and it became my husband's pet name for me, so Moggs became one of my internet names.

You're near Portsmouth? It's a journey, but the offer stands. We can do whatever. Tourist things, galleries, museums, shopping, whatever. If the scheduling is right, I could try to get a couple more people from either forum to come with.

I've actually been meaning to offer it when I read your blog.

Let me know and we can exchange email addresses.

Kicha said...

Oh, I can so feel some of what you're going through. The dinky little house with the dinky little rooms. No clothes dryer, no mixer taps, yada yada. So far my 'job' has been sitting at home getting chunky while I wait for my spousal visa to be approved. Fortunately, the hubby tries to get me out of the house as often as possible which is a true lifesaver. I force myself to make the most of this often icky weather.

Hang in there!

Tina... said...

hey, u can call me to have aone on one conversation with someon other than your husband.....u need some good old fashion girl talk...

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.