Some things I've learned since I've been in England:
A small house is a messy house.
It is possible to be both thin and flabby.
Do not buy a leather couch if you live in an igloo.
Electrical currents are NOT interchangeable .
Don't call an ambulance for a broken rib. It's NOT a heart attack.
The smaller the cat ,the more room they take up on a bed.
A hatred of laundry can grow ever deeper.
A house with no closets is an abomination.
Love is not enough to make sleeping enjoyable if the bed is too small.
The more it snows ,the longer it will be until you see the garbage man.
The phone will never ring unless you are on the toilet.
When you don't have a car, you will always run out of everything on the coldest ,windiest day.
If you want that long awaited package to arrive...already, skip shower, pile up hair like homeless woman,do not apply makeup, paint house all day ,then sleep in paint covered shirt. Package will arrive via cute delivery man at the crack of dawn.
Out of 40 or 50 condos, whose do you suppose was the ONE where the pipes froze and burst?
That's right , that would be OURS.
I got an email today from my friend Floozie2 that said "call me today!" (she is also my next door neighbor,back home)
I just knew in my gut she was going to tell me something bad, I was afraid to call her. It could have been something worse than burst pipes ,so there IS that.
When I got her on the phone she said " here, I better let Lake Farmer (her hubby) tell you " (my stomach sinks to ground level)
Apparently the kids living above us, saw water running out of our garage but didn't bother to tell anyone, even though they KNOW that we are in England.
Another neighbor saw the same and told Floozie2 . Her and her husband had to go over to our house ,move our truck, inspect the attic ,repack soggy boxes ,call the plumber and freeze their asses off while dealing with our crisis.
(THANK YOU GUYS SOOOO MUCH!!! )
Apparently ,even though our water was turned off at the water main, the pipes for the outside faucets (ours and the upstairs unit) runs though our garage and attic. Well the upstairs neighbors water pipe froze and burst ,flooding through our attic and running out the garage.
My friends took care of the immediate risk to our house and I guess whatever damage there is .will now wait until Spring to be fixed.
Picture it, yesterday after I painted the bathroom I noticed that I was having an exceptionally bad hair day.
I get the brilliant idea to use my US curling iron. We have a US extension cord....piece of cake ,right?
Ugh , wrong!
That thing was so hot, I heard the sizzle and saw the smoke as soon as I got my hair wrapped around it.
I could still smell the stench of burnt hair AFTER I washed it, this morning.
My husband said "Didn't you know that the UK has a different current? "
How would I know that ,THAT would turn a curling iron into a blow torch?
BTW , my husband returned home from Finland last night ,he'd been gone since Sunday. I'm in the kitchen ,cooking dinner when he comes in there to get a drink.
He looks at me for a few minutes (probably smelling the stench of my burnt hair)
"What's different about you? "
" umm, It's a horrible hair day."
"You look like you're eyes are sunk into your head or you've been crying or something ."
Well, as flattering as that is , I haven't been crying.
" Maybe the makeup you have on your eyes is too light, it contrasts too much with the pencil on the bottom of your eyes."
WTF? Who IS this ? and what has he done with my husband?
I actually was trying out a new eye shadow. (which will now be going in the garbage)
I had it in my ugly head that today I would be able to get dropped off in Fareham to shop and go to the library.
Well, our 6 inches of snow is now snow covered ice. We are stuck here. My spouse is working from home and we are out of all the basic necessities, like cigarettes, vodka and toilet paper.
Oh joy, we get to trudge through the snow to the grocery store. Have I mentioned how much I loathe winter?
I've been here for months now and I've been trying to stay all "upbeat " and shit ...but umm ,I'm afraid I do have a few gripes that I can no longer ignore , what are you gonna do, take away all my British friends? BWA HA HA!!! Yeah. That's what I thought you would say. Nothing!
I'm free to speak then. I have a problem with your "no dryer" policy. I have played along, I have gotten used to wearing stiff scratchy clothes, preserving clean clothes, wearing the same jeans for days, the two day drying time.....but I'm having a real problem with the sock situation. In America, my sweet ass dryer shrinks up my socks to sort of "fit my feet”, but here....NOOO. Not only do I have to wear rubber rain boots, the likes of which I have not owned since I was 5, but I have to wear them with floppy, stiff, baggy socks that feel as if I scraped the dirty socks off some homeless guy! Can’t you even make a sock dryer?
How about my bras? What's up with that shit? Do you know what your 3 hour wash and spin cycle has done to my bras? Oh....well, I'm sure you don't care ...but I'm gonna tell you! Since you have made it impossible for me to drive here, with your wrong side of the road, wrong side of the car, stick shift diesel crap, then surely you knew that I would literally have to walk my ass off. Don't deny it. Now, not only are the few bras that I own. 20 pounds too big for me, but your stinkin' 2 hour spin cycle has stretched them out so they could only fit a circus fat lady!
And what about this heat situation? The technology is OUT there. WHY do you resist it? They have these things called blowers or something; they actually spread the warmth all through the house. That is what central heat really means. Having a radiator in a few rooms, that are still freezing cold, is NOT central heat.
There's more but I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Thank you for giving me permission to paint your lovely rental. The splotchy, hideous walls you left us were bringing me down ,making me feel like I was living in the ghetto.
I appreciate that you tried to paint over the dirty spots but next time , try doing it with a matching paint.
I am painting the place a lovely neutral color called "cookie dough" I am happy to do it because I have to look at it every day.
However, should you find it in your heart to reimburse us for the paint, that would be just lovely.
By the way, the carpet is equally hideous. Should you ever decide to have it cleaned that would be brilliant.
Thank God this whole holiday season is almost over. The house is in shambles, the tree is in its box, (right in the middle of the living room) the leftovers have all been eaten and my spouse leaves today for Finland. (Back to work)
The Uk TV line-up has been even worse than usual, didn’t even think THAT was possible!
Yesterday my two oldest children drove from Chicago to Jacksonville in a ratty old truck. The last time I called to check on them they were just arriving at son 1's house, in Jax. They made it with only one blow out. (Thank you God)
We did absolutely nothing for New Years Eve. (Per usual) I did awaken at 3 A.M. to hear the kids’ next doors party still in full swing. Ah youth. I had to chuckle as I watched tired revellers stumble out of their house, in blankets, the next day.
The weather has been ice cold. It’s like a refrigerator in this house. Central heat, my ass!
My spouse, who grew up in Ohio and is not phased by cold weather, keeps saying "It was never this cold last year!."
I was dropped off in Fareham yesterday; I pulled my backpack thru the frozen crowds and went to all the thrift shops. All I found was a book and a long sweater, supposedly to wear with the oh so popular ...leggings. Unfortunately, I have a gut feeling that when I put on said outfit, I may just look like a sausage bursting from its casing.
I also treated myself to lunch at that famed British eatery, Burger King. There was a big black service dog sitting right next to me, howling the entire time I was there. I thought those dogs were better trained than that. Well, maybe she /he was IN training. I don't know. I kept wanting to offer the thing some fries or bread or something so it would shut up.
Anyhow, I was calling hubby to come get me by 3:15, it was starting to get dark and the temp had dropped to way beyond my "tolerate it" level.
