UGH!!!!!!

Hey ya'll, I KNOW....long time no see.


I apologize.


My
feng shui is totally fungked Up!



Example 1 : I loathe stuff being out on the counter.



Here, there’s no place else to put it.


Further fungking up my life.....for the last several days is my hated, little tiny, ludicrous electric fireplace.







Originally, repulsively yellow-ish...like the original walls.


The other day, I bought some paint which "resembled" the kitchen paint.

Supposedly "cookie dough"


Little did I know that the crap was OIL based paint until it was TOO late.

Being the "trooper" that I am, I kept calm and carried on, after about 5 coats of paint....it looked like a disgusting glob of silly putty!


Not to mention that it also RUINED my paint brush, my mini roller and my mini paint tray.


I tried to salvage it with nail polish remover.


Make a note: Nail polish remover does not dissolve oil based paint.





My spouse arrived home Thursday night. He cut his trip short so I "wouldn't be left alone so long."


(He had been gone since Sunday) hold that thought....for later.


I spent some time, online looking at "virtual" paint jobs. I finally decided that the God awful, ugly ass thing should be WHITE...like all the trim and wood work.


We ventured out, got some white paint and replaced my destroyed equipment.


About 7,000 coats of paint later.........





Nearly there….


I did YET another coat this morning, but NOW the tape has been there so long I will need a jigsaw or a really sexy carpenter to get it off.

Also, see the ugly, dented gold surround? I planned to paint THAT matt black.


My husband was sceptical. What do you think about the gold?


Gold OR matt black?


I think it is dented, and it makes the whole damn thing look even chintzier than it is.


Ok...on to the REST of our weekend.....


My husband ,bless his heart, came home early..."so I wouldn't suffer ,being alone "


(what with me, not knowing anyone, about to run out of medicine and having been snowed in for 2 weeks)


LOL, he probably really was just afraid that he'd come home and I'd be dead or something.


So there we are, the sweet lil darling has come home. We grocery shop, I repeatedly paint the effin fireplace, we’re together.......but for some reason ...lover boy is grouchy as HELL!











(Travelling all week, worried about "man shit" ,work and post Leave it to Beaver Christmas syndrome)



Practically every time I spoke , I was irritating beyond belief! At one point, I put the roll of duct tape on my end table while we were watching a movie. (So I could tape my own yap shut!)



Excuse me, but I'm a movie talker.

I never did tape my own mouth shut. But it was tempting.




And THEN.......as if we weren't grouchy enough.

" Dear Dic*wad, As*wipe or Skanky B*tch,


I can't thank you enough for letting your (from the forensic evidence) medium sized dog ,crap RIGHT in front of our gate , not once, BUT 3 F'n times. You are the epitome of class.



You are the poster child of a responsible dog owner.







When my (already grouchy) husband (finally) stepped in your dog crap, Oh ...how I longed to meet you.


Let me share the joyous experience WITH you (perhaps we'll reminisce about it someday, if I ever catch your lazy ass)


Picture it...Sunday...the second whole day I would even see my spouse.


We get in the car to go on our big outing for the week. He is going to work, to do his travel expense’s, I am being dropped off in town for ONE hour, to speed shop. (It's Sunday, everything closes by 4)


We get in the car; the snow is all melted ...so there's no problem there. When we go somewhere, I have to stand outside while he backs the car out of it’s minuscule space ,then I open my door and get in.


Usually I get a nice cloud of diesel fuel ,right in the face, before I get in the car.


Well, I'm already "nasally defected" so we take off and he says “Do you smell that?"

"Smell what?"

"I don't know, it kind of smells like manure."

"I still smell diesel, sorry. can’t help you"


We get home and ...low and behold ....he discovers that he has stepped in yer freakin' dog crap.


Oh, the joy! I was wearing brand new shoes. (Thank God it wasn't ME!)


I enter the house bring my bags into the kitchen and then my dahlink tells me that he has stepped in your frekin dog crap.


Trying to be polite, I get the little OLD toothbrush out from under the sink. My spouse goes all berserk grouch on my ass and says “Quit treating me like I'm helpless!"


I throw toothbrush back under cabinet.


HE is in a boiling rage as he has to clean your damn dogs crap off, not only his shoe, but also the cars floor mat.


Thank you lazy ass dog owner for putting the final FAIL on our weekend.


AFTER my husband spent all that time cleaning his shoe and THEN the floor mat, and I disinfected our sink TWICE, OH.... how I wanted to meet YOU.


When my husband had to then cut up boxes for poop scoops ,and go clean up your dog shit.....becoming madder and grouchier ....oh I was getting grouchier too Honey.

If I knew who you were at that moment, I would have brought your dog shit to your door and smeared it all OVER said door!


I was raised by the woman who once picked dog crap up with her bare hands, stuffed in IN offending dogs mouth and then threw the dog outside.


I've got my eye out for you beotch!


God help you, if I ever catch you.


Smelly regards,

Queen Earlene's finest